Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
