I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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