im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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