nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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