i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
