Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
