I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
