Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
