M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize