He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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