I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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