i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
