I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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