I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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