I just made out with a guy for $7.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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