I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
We need to rekindle our bromance
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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