Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
