my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
