i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
