oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
