I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
