I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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