Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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