I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
