Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
