I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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