thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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