I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
