Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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