dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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