toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
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