He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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