I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
