can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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