There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
