If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize