so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
