Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
you never un-have a 4some
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
