Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
