i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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