Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
