I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
