I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I want to walk on stilts...naked
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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