tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
