A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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