u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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