Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
