my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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