So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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