According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
