he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
