Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize