so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
