I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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