i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
