There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
