I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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