At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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