she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
