went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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