listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
That accounts for only three of the penises
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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